holy shit ive been PWNED

property of typo junkies.

wez typo for life.

happy 4th of july, badgamers!

what does 4th of july mean to me?

uh...really. it's been so long since i actually decided to look it up. i think i've defaulted to "beer and ribs" since my absence from a US history classroom. but since i've drunk myself into a stupor and smoked too many illegal substances back in my day. and ingested about 20 some odd years worth of mind numbing tv, videogames and tv and the rap music, maybe i should piece together whatever i know about independence day. for the kiddies.

independence day is a federal holiday (except in rhode island and alaska because they're gay) which celebrates the release of the dragons of mular-ut-kahr, the demon king of kygarthia back in the year 1978 or something. since everybody was pretty much coked out of their minds back in 1978, the dragons stopped at a disco to use the bathroom because they forgot to piss before they left mular-ut-kahr's house. but when they got there, they were amazed and how much fucking coke you get offered at you just because you're a dragon.

so at the end of the night, being coked up dragons, of course they were shown titties. to this day july 4th is known as independence day because of the amount of tits which were "claimed independent" that one fateful night. eventually as the years passed, beer and copious amounts of grilled flesh were incorporated because the dragons loved the fuckin beer. why do you think they had to pee? and dragons eat flesh so that works out perfectly.

after the dragons were killed in a freak accident involving auto-erotic asphyxiation (no joke, i spelled that right the first time. sp3llz0rZ!!!!!11) in 1988 their blood was extracted and was to be flown to a secret flying facility located above japan to be tested. well...it just so happens that it was july 5th and the pilot was fuckin COKED and DRUNK and FULL out of his gourd so he crashed the plane and the blood samples ended up in some random video game manufacturing facility named Day-Taheest.

welp, don't ask how this happened but before the game "Ultra Fun Squishy Rapist Rampage" was released in arcades all over japan, the blood samples found them selves in the arcade cabinets. a couple of weeks later, japanese arcade owners across the country exclaimed "WTFIUWDS!!???!!111"* as they stood in front of not "Happy Schoolgirl Sudsy Knife Fights" but:



this ultimate game of complete kick ass and eat their testicles (not in a gay way. this game isn't gay at all) WAS the american dream. yeah, i know it's a japanese made game, but remember. before it was BAD DUDES, it was "Bubble Life of Coffin Twat", so you can fuckin quote me on this when i say "YOU CAN QUOTE ME WHEN I SAY BAD DUDES IS 118% PURE AMERICAN KICK ASSEDNESS AND TAKE NAMEDNESS". if it wasn't for those two drunk dragons, the japanese would still be playing "Naked Soccer Puppy Fury 8".

anyway...back to the game. well...let me first warn you. although our world is in the grips of terrorism, fighting overseas, protecting our borders and porn industry, this game knows how to tackle certain current events. even when the events were never current at all. let's just say it hits a little close to home. and a little too close to the crotch.



btw. that up there ^^^^ is currently the best photoshop job i've done ever in life.

well anyway. of course it's up to you bad dudes to rescue the president from...god damn ninjas. now rescuing the president i'm not totally against. against ninjas? what the hell will they do? we gotta send the fuckin FBI, CIA, ATF and any other acronymical law enforcement agency after those guys. they're ninjas. until you realize that ninjas are all about the "kamikaze approach" which is basically the art of throwing your body into a guy and dying until someone gets lucky. and man do these ninjas die.



did i mention that at the end of each level they strike a pose and go "I'M BAAAAD!"? i didn't? well i just did. SO AMERICA, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

and as if you didn't think it couldn't get any more american: after overcoming several levels of different colored ninjas. goddamned ninja girls. a buncha fuckin dogs. a guy that looks like a road warrior. on top of trucks. trains. in the base. everything. you finally fight the dragon ninja, who for some reason, owns a helicopter(?). but you don't fight him hand to hand like a ninja would. this ninja got a little too AMERICANIZED and he just thinks that shooting ninja stars and sicking dogs on you will suffice. but it doesn't. as his laziness and horrible sense of ninja management finally does him in.

oh yeah. you got the president back. but generally you'd get money. a medal. a thanks. some sort of presidential intern blowjob. hell if i could live for the rest of my life tax free, i'd be the shit (like on "Armageddon" except bad dudes has better writing). but nope. apparently the 8-bit version of our president drops t3h bomb on us:



ladies and gentlemen, your president is fucking senile. but how american is a burger baby? can't fuck with that.

BETTER THAN: IRAQ, ALL OF THOSE -STAN COUNTRIES, ANY COUNTRY WHERE BLACK PEOPLE COME FROM.

WORSE THAN: being able to look up the statue of liberty's robe. BUT REALLY...there's not much that's better.

KARNOV SIGHTING



* What The Fuck Is Up Wit Dis Shit

preview of the next review.

whoever guesses what game this is wins a free ticket to a whorehouse to finally lose that nagging virginity you seem to never get rid of.

addenenum- superman 64.

video review- sorry i'd love to embed it but they don't allow embedding.

warning, it's not work safe as it's a terrible game and apparently borat is doing the review voiceover.

superman 64.

a word of warning before i continue...well a few:

fuck.
shit.
ass.
cock.
pussy.
vaginaballs.
assmash.
armpit hair.
new jersey.

also i'm not able to produce screenshots because (thankfully) my n64 emulator can't make them. but in a way you should be thanking god for not letting you see this enemy of sensibilities that assaults your intelligence and eyeballs.

another warning for those at the weak of heart. there will be several instances of me mentioning: anal rape, mutilated genitals, zombie babies, nazis, open herpes sores and repeated punches to the face.

ANOTHER WARNING: this review won't be in the normal review format that most people are used to seeing. i'll be using the "bulleted list of sucktitude" method.

- this game sucks.
- really reeks.
- FACT: i only played this game for 14 minutes before i put the controller down and tested to see how many toothpicks i could fit into my peehole.
- FACT: there were two games that i chose to review before this but i lost them. in hindsight, i wish to play super noah's ark 3-d and the goonies PLEASE. PLEASE.
- superman's face looks like they put a happy face on a 3-d model from rise of the robots.
- superman's freezing breath doesn't freeze shit but your frontal lobe.
- i suppose the storyline is that lex luthor kidnaps lois lane and puts her in a virtual reality version of metropolis. i say let the bitch go, clark. there's waaaay too much pussy on earth to be worried about some broad stuck in this shitty game.
- the first mission is to fly through rings. spiderman fights the sandman. batman fights thugs and mutilated clownfaced criminals. superman uses his powers to fly through rings.
- this game controls like old people attempt double penetration.
- the first screen you see when you play this game is a warning that you don't have a memory pack inserted. in a way it's the programmer's way of giving you a second chance before you play this game. it's like having a choice between stapling your scrotum to a bullet train or not. LAST CHANCE GUYS. YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS?
- to punch you hit the A button. to use your powers you strangle the nearest frenchman with your controller and scream in his ear until he dies.
- this game was the missing plague of egypt. i think it was between kinim and arov.
- i'm kidding...kinim wasn't THAT bad.
- if you bought this game when it was first released you may be eligible for a lawsuit. contact your nearest lawyer. all you really have to do is walk into his/her offices. hold the cartridge in your hand, pee into the paper shredder and headbutt the walls. youre pretty much guaranteed a big chunk of change. they'll understand.
- in the 14 minutes i've played this game, i pretty much lost all use for my braincells. seriously, it's really hard for me to tie my shoes without my nose bleeding.
- if someone gave me the choice between playing this game and being anally raped by zombie babies with mutilated genitals dressed like neo-nazis with open herpes sores while my ex-girlfriend punched me in the face, i'd question "wait...which girlfriend?"

better than: i seriously can't think of anything at this current time in this current space. i think if i found a wormhole to another dimension where everything bad was good i still wouldn't be able to find it.
worse than: watching the whole bible be reenacted by blades of grass in an amphitheater built out of the souls of dead KKK members.

btw. to follow up on the amagon review.

if anybody finds him still living and NOT on the street with a two foot beard yelling at trashcans, PLEASE let me know.

fighter's history - arcade/SNES

this is a true story.

a couple of years after street fighter II was released in US arcades, i run to my local arcade, which was at station break on grace street. after my father drops me off, i'm informed that the street fighter machine was being taken up by older kids with rolls of quarters and they basically had a grudge match going on between two groups of kids. i sulk and play bubble bobble in order to pass the time until my pops gets back.

i give up trying to have fun with dragons blowing bubbles and i notice a new cabinet in the corner of my eye. in hindsight, maybe i shouldn't have seen it but then. i was all "holy shitbags, a new fighting game?!". fighter's history, it said. i checked out the demos. oh man. a dude in a karate gi just like ryu? a chinese chick like chun li? heeey a greek wrestler that pretty much fights like zangief? sign me the fuck up.

and so 14 hard years later, i continue to regret the decision to play this mindnumbingly boring and easy game. what a way to attempt to capitalize on the fame of another fighting game, data east? not only borrowing certain elements, but fucking stealing the whole concept? bad fucking puppy.

and so brings me my review:

i present to you fighters "fucking" history.

so instead of giving a standard review. i'll illustrate my opinions using the bullet method. well dashes because i'm too fuckin lazy to do bullets.

- the game is about as generic as your mother bringing home king crunchies when your mother KNEW that cap'n crunch didn't taste like old radio equipment. you fight in china, yup in front of a chinese temple. you fight in japan, yup right in front of the same fucking backdrop as ryu's rooftop level in SF II. you fight in the US, of COURSE you're going to fight on the lawn of the fuckin capitol because...well because the game sucks two huge balls.

- the game is easy. i did three moves: jump kick, low kick, quarter circle towards and punch. i'm not lying when i say i beat EVERY PERSON like this. i forgot to screencap every victory but here's a sample:

- this is the miniboss

- not only was there an arcade but there was an SNES port. fortunately there's no animated gif of me crying as a child when i was forced by the manrapist guy from pulp fiction to play this when i was strapped in a gimp suit.

- karnov is the last boss. no...i don't know why either.

one good thing. as terrible as this game is, street fighter didn't have a masturbating man. or did it?


better than: ET, rise of the robots, being squicked (the act of fucking someone's eyesocket)

worse than: finding out your prom date is a man.


(ed note: capcom did take data east to court but data east defended sucessfully. as a special fuck you from capcom they took the same moveset from lee and applied it to yun and yang from street fighter III. ALSO, SNK playmore recently acquired the company that owned the rights to the fighters history characters. so don't be surprised if you find your favorite fake ass street fighter character in the next neo geo battle colusseum. oh god. it's like finding out the guy that raped you in jail is coming over to dinner.)