happy 4th of july, badgamers!

what does 4th of july mean to me?

uh...really. it's been so long since i actually decided to look it up. i think i've defaulted to "beer and ribs" since my absence from a US history classroom. but since i've drunk myself into a stupor and smoked too many illegal substances back in my day. and ingested about 20 some odd years worth of mind numbing tv, videogames and tv and the rap music, maybe i should piece together whatever i know about independence day. for the kiddies.

independence day is a federal holiday (except in rhode island and alaska because they're gay) which celebrates the release of the dragons of mular-ut-kahr, the demon king of kygarthia back in the year 1978 or something. since everybody was pretty much coked out of their minds back in 1978, the dragons stopped at a disco to use the bathroom because they forgot to piss before they left mular-ut-kahr's house. but when they got there, they were amazed and how much fucking coke you get offered at you just because you're a dragon.

so at the end of the night, being coked up dragons, of course they were shown titties. to this day july 4th is known as independence day because of the amount of tits which were "claimed independent" that one fateful night. eventually as the years passed, beer and copious amounts of grilled flesh were incorporated because the dragons loved the fuckin beer. why do you think they had to pee? and dragons eat flesh so that works out perfectly.

after the dragons were killed in a freak accident involving auto-erotic asphyxiation (no joke, i spelled that right the first time. sp3llz0rZ!!!!!11) in 1988 their blood was extracted and was to be flown to a secret flying facility located above japan to be tested. well...it just so happens that it was july 5th and the pilot was fuckin COKED and DRUNK and FULL out of his gourd so he crashed the plane and the blood samples ended up in some random video game manufacturing facility named Day-Taheest.

welp, don't ask how this happened but before the game "Ultra Fun Squishy Rapist Rampage" was released in arcades all over japan, the blood samples found them selves in the arcade cabinets. a couple of weeks later, japanese arcade owners across the country exclaimed "WTFIUWDS!!???!!111"* as they stood in front of not "Happy Schoolgirl Sudsy Knife Fights" but:



this ultimate game of complete kick ass and eat their testicles (not in a gay way. this game isn't gay at all) WAS the american dream. yeah, i know it's a japanese made game, but remember. before it was BAD DUDES, it was "Bubble Life of Coffin Twat", so you can fuckin quote me on this when i say "YOU CAN QUOTE ME WHEN I SAY BAD DUDES IS 118% PURE AMERICAN KICK ASSEDNESS AND TAKE NAMEDNESS". if it wasn't for those two drunk dragons, the japanese would still be playing "Naked Soccer Puppy Fury 8".

anyway...back to the game. well...let me first warn you. although our world is in the grips of terrorism, fighting overseas, protecting our borders and porn industry, this game knows how to tackle certain current events. even when the events were never current at all. let's just say it hits a little close to home. and a little too close to the crotch.



btw. that up there ^^^^ is currently the best photoshop job i've done ever in life.

well anyway. of course it's up to you bad dudes to rescue the president from...god damn ninjas. now rescuing the president i'm not totally against. against ninjas? what the hell will they do? we gotta send the fuckin FBI, CIA, ATF and any other acronymical law enforcement agency after those guys. they're ninjas. until you realize that ninjas are all about the "kamikaze approach" which is basically the art of throwing your body into a guy and dying until someone gets lucky. and man do these ninjas die.



did i mention that at the end of each level they strike a pose and go "I'M BAAAAD!"? i didn't? well i just did. SO AMERICA, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

and as if you didn't think it couldn't get any more american: after overcoming several levels of different colored ninjas. goddamned ninja girls. a buncha fuckin dogs. a guy that looks like a road warrior. on top of trucks. trains. in the base. everything. you finally fight the dragon ninja, who for some reason, owns a helicopter(?). but you don't fight him hand to hand like a ninja would. this ninja got a little too AMERICANIZED and he just thinks that shooting ninja stars and sicking dogs on you will suffice. but it doesn't. as his laziness and horrible sense of ninja management finally does him in.

oh yeah. you got the president back. but generally you'd get money. a medal. a thanks. some sort of presidential intern blowjob. hell if i could live for the rest of my life tax free, i'd be the shit (like on "Armageddon" except bad dudes has better writing). but nope. apparently the 8-bit version of our president drops t3h bomb on us:



ladies and gentlemen, your president is fucking senile. but how american is a burger baby? can't fuck with that.

BETTER THAN: IRAQ, ALL OF THOSE -STAN COUNTRIES, ANY COUNTRY WHERE BLACK PEOPLE COME FROM.

WORSE THAN: being able to look up the statue of liberty's robe. BUT REALLY...there's not much that's better.

KARNOV SIGHTING



* What The Fuck Is Up Wit Dis Shit