superman 64.

a word of warning before i continue...well a few:

fuck.
shit.
ass.
cock.
pussy.
vaginaballs.
assmash.
armpit hair.
new jersey.

also i'm not able to produce screenshots because (thankfully) my n64 emulator can't make them. but in a way you should be thanking god for not letting you see this enemy of sensibilities that assaults your intelligence and eyeballs.

another warning for those at the weak of heart. there will be several instances of me mentioning: anal rape, mutilated genitals, zombie babies, nazis, open herpes sores and repeated punches to the face.

ANOTHER WARNING: this review won't be in the normal review format that most people are used to seeing. i'll be using the "bulleted list of sucktitude" method.

- this game sucks.
- really reeks.
- FACT: i only played this game for 14 minutes before i put the controller down and tested to see how many toothpicks i could fit into my peehole.
- FACT: there were two games that i chose to review before this but i lost them. in hindsight, i wish to play super noah's ark 3-d and the goonies PLEASE. PLEASE.
- superman's face looks like they put a happy face on a 3-d model from rise of the robots.
- superman's freezing breath doesn't freeze shit but your frontal lobe.
- i suppose the storyline is that lex luthor kidnaps lois lane and puts her in a virtual reality version of metropolis. i say let the bitch go, clark. there's waaaay too much pussy on earth to be worried about some broad stuck in this shitty game.
- the first mission is to fly through rings. spiderman fights the sandman. batman fights thugs and mutilated clownfaced criminals. superman uses his powers to fly through rings.
- this game controls like old people attempt double penetration.
- the first screen you see when you play this game is a warning that you don't have a memory pack inserted. in a way it's the programmer's way of giving you a second chance before you play this game. it's like having a choice between stapling your scrotum to a bullet train or not. LAST CHANCE GUYS. YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS?
- to punch you hit the A button. to use your powers you strangle the nearest frenchman with your controller and scream in his ear until he dies.
- this game was the missing plague of egypt. i think it was between kinim and arov.
- i'm kidding...kinim wasn't THAT bad.
- if you bought this game when it was first released you may be eligible for a lawsuit. contact your nearest lawyer. all you really have to do is walk into his/her offices. hold the cartridge in your hand, pee into the paper shredder and headbutt the walls. youre pretty much guaranteed a big chunk of change. they'll understand.
- in the 14 minutes i've played this game, i pretty much lost all use for my braincells. seriously, it's really hard for me to tie my shoes without my nose bleeding.
- if someone gave me the choice between playing this game and being anally raped by zombie babies with mutilated genitals dressed like neo-nazis with open herpes sores while my ex-girlfriend punched me in the face, i'd question "wait...which girlfriend?"

better than: i seriously can't think of anything at this current time in this current space. i think if i found a wormhole to another dimension where everything bad was good i still wouldn't be able to find it.
worse than: watching the whole bible be reenacted by blades of grass in an amphitheater built out of the souls of dead KKK members.

btw. to follow up on the amagon review.

if anybody finds him still living and NOT on the street with a two foot beard yelling at trashcans, PLEASE let me know.

fighter's history - arcade/SNES

this is a true story.

a couple of years after street fighter II was released in US arcades, i run to my local arcade, which was at station break on grace street. after my father drops me off, i'm informed that the street fighter machine was being taken up by older kids with rolls of quarters and they basically had a grudge match going on between two groups of kids. i sulk and play bubble bobble in order to pass the time until my pops gets back.

i give up trying to have fun with dragons blowing bubbles and i notice a new cabinet in the corner of my eye. in hindsight, maybe i shouldn't have seen it but then. i was all "holy shitbags, a new fighting game?!". fighter's history, it said. i checked out the demos. oh man. a dude in a karate gi just like ryu? a chinese chick like chun li? heeey a greek wrestler that pretty much fights like zangief? sign me the fuck up.

and so 14 hard years later, i continue to regret the decision to play this mindnumbingly boring and easy game. what a way to attempt to capitalize on the fame of another fighting game, data east? not only borrowing certain elements, but fucking stealing the whole concept? bad fucking puppy.

and so brings me my review:

i present to you fighters "fucking" history.

so instead of giving a standard review. i'll illustrate my opinions using the bullet method. well dashes because i'm too fuckin lazy to do bullets.

- the game is about as generic as your mother bringing home king crunchies when your mother KNEW that cap'n crunch didn't taste like old radio equipment. you fight in china, yup in front of a chinese temple. you fight in japan, yup right in front of the same fucking backdrop as ryu's rooftop level in SF II. you fight in the US, of COURSE you're going to fight on the lawn of the fuckin capitol because...well because the game sucks two huge balls.

- the game is easy. i did three moves: jump kick, low kick, quarter circle towards and punch. i'm not lying when i say i beat EVERY PERSON like this. i forgot to screencap every victory but here's a sample:

- this is the miniboss

- not only was there an arcade but there was an SNES port. fortunately there's no animated gif of me crying as a child when i was forced by the manrapist guy from pulp fiction to play this when i was strapped in a gimp suit.

- karnov is the last boss. no...i don't know why either.

one good thing. as terrible as this game is, street fighter didn't have a masturbating man. or did it?


better than: ET, rise of the robots, being squicked (the act of fucking someone's eyesocket)

worse than: finding out your prom date is a man.


(ed note: capcom did take data east to court but data east defended sucessfully. as a special fuck you from capcom they took the same moveset from lee and applied it to yun and yang from street fighter III. ALSO, SNK playmore recently acquired the company that owned the rights to the fighters history characters. so don't be surprised if you find your favorite fake ass street fighter character in the next neo geo battle colusseum. oh god. it's like finding out the guy that raped you in jail is coming over to dinner.)

amagon - NES

amagon is the adventure of a man who crash lands on an island. come to find out, the island he lands on is worse than hell. because he crash lands into an island in a game called amagon. where LOST had a couple of hot women and a creepy nigerian priest, amagon has a man with pink cut off jean shorts and a rifle.

wherein mario bros had a learning curve which graduated over time, amagon pretty much said "fuck it, first level. 60 birds, snakes that shoot fireballs and crabs in trees. and make the first level boss impossible to avoid."



the enemies are comprised of normal animals that are, i guess mutated all to fuck. there's crabs in trees, a lion headed boss. a two faced sheep head that spits flames and floats. which would be pretty cool if they didn't throw every fucking enemy at you at the same time. and if every boss was impossible to defeat.

now our hero is armed with a rifle, 300 bullets...and...that's it. you can kill enemies for ammo but by the time you waste 10 bullets on two mushrooms, you get 5 bullets. does anything add up here? oh yeah. if you press select after collecting the icon that looks like a faceless 1920s era weightlifter, you morph into an ultra gay version of yourself. he has more power, is able to uppercut the shit outta mushrooms and shoot beams from his tits. yes. shoot beams from his tits.



generally i'd love to beat the game i REALLY do. i played as much as i can. i remember this game as a troubled preteen and i wanted some of that old nostalgia back. but going back and playing this made me want to replace said nostalgia of playing this with memories of a faceless uncle touching my swimsuit area.



BETTER THAN: E.T.- the game, being strangled by neo nazis in front of your children.

WORSE THAN: solid waste disposal.