superman 64.

a word of warning before i continue...well a few:

fuck.
shit.
ass.
cock.
pussy.
vaginaballs.
assmash.
armpit hair.
new jersey.

also i'm not able to produce screenshots because (thankfully) my n64 emulator can't make them. but in a way you should be thanking god for not letting you see this enemy of sensibilities that assaults your intelligence and eyeballs.

another warning for those at the weak of heart. there will be several instances of me mentioning: anal rape, mutilated genitals, zombie babies, nazis, open herpes sores and repeated punches to the face.

ANOTHER WARNING: this review won't be in the normal review format that most people are used to seeing. i'll be using the "bulleted list of sucktitude" method.

- this game sucks.
- really reeks.
- FACT: i only played this game for 14 minutes before i put the controller down and tested to see how many toothpicks i could fit into my peehole.
- FACT: there were two games that i chose to review before this but i lost them. in hindsight, i wish to play super noah's ark 3-d and the goonies PLEASE. PLEASE.
- superman's face looks like they put a happy face on a 3-d model from rise of the robots.
- superman's freezing breath doesn't freeze shit but your frontal lobe.
- i suppose the storyline is that lex luthor kidnaps lois lane and puts her in a virtual reality version of metropolis. i say let the bitch go, clark. there's waaaay too much pussy on earth to be worried about some broad stuck in this shitty game.
- the first mission is to fly through rings. spiderman fights the sandman. batman fights thugs and mutilated clownfaced criminals. superman uses his powers to fly through rings.
- this game controls like old people attempt double penetration.
- the first screen you see when you play this game is a warning that you don't have a memory pack inserted. in a way it's the programmer's way of giving you a second chance before you play this game. it's like having a choice between stapling your scrotum to a bullet train or not. LAST CHANCE GUYS. YOU SURE YOU WANNA DO THIS?
- to punch you hit the A button. to use your powers you strangle the nearest frenchman with your controller and scream in his ear until he dies.
- this game was the missing plague of egypt. i think it was between kinim and arov.
- i'm kidding...kinim wasn't THAT bad.
- if you bought this game when it was first released you may be eligible for a lawsuit. contact your nearest lawyer. all you really have to do is walk into his/her offices. hold the cartridge in your hand, pee into the paper shredder and headbutt the walls. youre pretty much guaranteed a big chunk of change. they'll understand.
- in the 14 minutes i've played this game, i pretty much lost all use for my braincells. seriously, it's really hard for me to tie my shoes without my nose bleeding.
- if someone gave me the choice between playing this game and being anally raped by zombie babies with mutilated genitals dressed like neo-nazis with open herpes sores while my ex-girlfriend punched me in the face, i'd question "wait...which girlfriend?"

better than: i seriously can't think of anything at this current time in this current space. i think if i found a wormhole to another dimension where everything bad was good i still wouldn't be able to find it.
worse than: watching the whole bible be reenacted by blades of grass in an amphitheater built out of the souls of dead KKK members.