fighter's history - arcade/SNES

this is a true story.

a couple of years after street fighter II was released in US arcades, i run to my local arcade, which was at station break on grace street. after my father drops me off, i'm informed that the street fighter machine was being taken up by older kids with rolls of quarters and they basically had a grudge match going on between two groups of kids. i sulk and play bubble bobble in order to pass the time until my pops gets back.

i give up trying to have fun with dragons blowing bubbles and i notice a new cabinet in the corner of my eye. in hindsight, maybe i shouldn't have seen it but then. i was all "holy shitbags, a new fighting game?!". fighter's history, it said. i checked out the demos. oh man. a dude in a karate gi just like ryu? a chinese chick like chun li? heeey a greek wrestler that pretty much fights like zangief? sign me the fuck up.

and so 14 hard years later, i continue to regret the decision to play this mindnumbingly boring and easy game. what a way to attempt to capitalize on the fame of another fighting game, data east? not only borrowing certain elements, but fucking stealing the whole concept? bad fucking puppy.

and so brings me my review:

i present to you fighters "fucking" history.

so instead of giving a standard review. i'll illustrate my opinions using the bullet method. well dashes because i'm too fuckin lazy to do bullets.

- the game is about as generic as your mother bringing home king crunchies when your mother KNEW that cap'n crunch didn't taste like old radio equipment. you fight in china, yup in front of a chinese temple. you fight in japan, yup right in front of the same fucking backdrop as ryu's rooftop level in SF II. you fight in the US, of COURSE you're going to fight on the lawn of the fuckin capitol because...well because the game sucks two huge balls.

- the game is easy. i did three moves: jump kick, low kick, quarter circle towards and punch. i'm not lying when i say i beat EVERY PERSON like this. i forgot to screencap every victory but here's a sample:

- this is the miniboss

- not only was there an arcade but there was an SNES port. fortunately there's no animated gif of me crying as a child when i was forced by the manrapist guy from pulp fiction to play this when i was strapped in a gimp suit.

- karnov is the last boss. no...i don't know why either.

one good thing. as terrible as this game is, street fighter didn't have a masturbating man. or did it?


better than: ET, rise of the robots, being squicked (the act of fucking someone's eyesocket)

worse than: finding out your prom date is a man.


(ed note: capcom did take data east to court but data east defended sucessfully. as a special fuck you from capcom they took the same moveset from lee and applied it to yun and yang from street fighter III. ALSO, SNK playmore recently acquired the company that owned the rights to the fighters history characters. so don't be surprised if you find your favorite fake ass street fighter character in the next neo geo battle colusseum. oh god. it's like finding out the guy that raped you in jail is coming over to dinner.)